Thought for the day

Thought for the day….a different view….If I am adopted and or fostered I have lost everything. I have lost my home. The home was likely unsafe and full of scary things, but it was my home held all those I knew. I have lost all those I know. My parents, siblings, friends and even the lady in the shop down the street are all lost to me. Faces now are new and very scary, I don’t know if they will hurt or help. I don’t know how to act or react. I have lost it all and through no fault of my own. I did not make my mother beat me and neglect me. I did not make my father do drugs and watch as he slowly got more and more violent. I did not deserve to be left in a dirty diaper, ignored as I cried…until I gave up and quit crying….I was neglected and abused and then everything was changed when I was taken away. I am not lucky to be with you, all children deserve to be safe and to be loved. Is it lucky and should I be thankful that I was so abused that I needed to be taken away from everything I knew? I am going to mourn. I am going to be scared, sad and angry. Maybe one day I will trust you, but it will take time. You will need to be the strong one, the one who is patient and kind. You will need to give me boundaries and teach me all of the things I missed. I won’t be thankful, I won’t be here to fill your needs as an adult…that isn’t my job. My job is to survive and I have already done that in a very tough situation. My life has been about surviving and I will continue to survive using my fight flight and freeze. Please understand that I wanted love and to be like everyone else, but right now that just isn’t how it is going to be. Please don’t blame me. Please don’t give up. I may not understand right now, but I need you. This is scary and so hard. I would be who you wanted me to be if I could…instead I am just me, beat up, bruised and untrusting. I believe in fear, pain and loss. I believe that I deserve nothing but negativity and pain. I can’t ask for your help or love but I need it. Above all I need you to see the good in me and not to give up on me. Please don’t take all to heart when I reject you, I am scared. Please see it for what it is…see that I reject you out is self hatred and fear…I may never truly trust you or ever be grateful, but I still need you…I need you as much as I needed a loving mom and dad when I was born…I am sorry I am broken now, no longer a perfect baby, but I need you…I am more than you see…please see more than just my brokenness. Please see me and help me because I really do need you.

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