Thought for the day…for all of the ages…children always believe that what ever rule you have is always just for them, that all of their friends do not have the same rule. I would like to give you some understanding behind this but also give you the power to not get pulled into this fight. First of all, why does this happen?
When children are little, their lives are experienced from their point of view, they do not see the bigger picture. Their brains are made this way, what happens to them is bigger than what happens to other people. Their experience is simply more real to them because it is all they can consider. This is about actual brain development and a part of every persons development. They do learn to consider other people, but this develops at a much later age. I am saying this is not their fault, it is a part of life. Second, why should you not try to play the game and “prove” that others experience the same?
Simply it is an argument that becomes a struggle and energy drain. You spending all of your time proving something you know is real, that your child cannot or will not consider, will only frustrate you and your child. This trying to win an argument or making them understand that you aren’t the bad parent they think you are, will only create another moment to possibly have a fight. This will just add to the drama, to the negative mood going on. What can you do if not prove it? I suggest that you use PACE (even with a teenager). Following example.
Teenager does not want to hand in phone, says nobody else’s parents make them hand it in at night. You know this is not true and you first tried to prove you were right, but the teen does not believe you and refused to listen. This creates arguments and throwing of mean words and items around the house. Instead of getting pulled into the fight, instead you can use PACE. Stay calm, keep a pleasant attitude, be playful not angry. Accept that you cannot debate your way out of this or “prove” it. Accept that this is hard for your child, that being separated from their phone is actually hard for them and feels too difficult. You can even let them know that you know how hard it is for them. Be curious about why it is so difficult. Maybe they are having a texting fight with a friend and they are worried if they don’t answer that they will lose their friend. Then have Empathy for their feelings, for their experience. Be beside them understanding their pain and struggle (perhaps remember what it was like to be their age).
None of this means that you don’t take the phone. You still take the phone and keep it till morning or whatever time you have planned. You still stick to your rules and boundaries. But you do it using PACE. This works with all of these situations. You child will refuse to believe that others are like them. They are not trying to be annoying, they are just showing where they are in their development. Put in place the support needed and stop the arguing…stop trying to prove you are right (even though you are) and use your PACE to help them through their big feelings. One day they will realise they are not the only one…they will realise that others were expected to do the same. Give them the time they need to develop that ability and let go of the tug of war that proving things brings…use PACE and accept where they are…it will get better.