Thought for the day…hearing you are fat hurts! I saw a post today here on Facebook about their foster child calling them fat, and shaming them for it. They did not know how to respond as it was hurtful to hear. It reminded me of the time that a very rotund doctor told me I was fat and it felt very personal, an insult. I think it would have been less hurtful if they had been skinny, but someone twice my size telling me I was fat? Well, it didn’t go over well! To the doctor I reacted defensive and was angry, hurt. In the post on Facebook, the parent was angry and hurt (I totally got that feeling!). So, what do you do when you are hurt by what a child or another person says?
First, do not over react, do not get emotional. I know its hard, but by not giving them this power, you will likely defuse the situation and lessen the verbal attacks.
Second, have a plan for what you will reply. My favourite is “why thank you, I love being fat and have worked quite hard at it”. This works for any word; ugly, snotty, fat, stupid…etc. This again takes away the negative reaction and does not feed into their trauma, so will defuse the situation.
Third, I pay myself for every negative word directed at me. Whether I holler and cheer or keep a quiet list in my head, I get a pound for every negative and mean word said to me. I later take that money to the shop and buy something special just for me. This is key…no spending it on anyone else and it is for want, not a need! This makes you almost wanting to hear the negative words as you know it means you have a shopping trip coming.
If you notice, it is about not reacting to the negative words and not letting them build additional trauma into the relationship. Our children will try and push us away. They will try to relive their trauma. If they find they can do this easily by calling us a few names? Well, they will do it again. Have a plan in place for the next time your child calls you names and stick to it, the name calling will be lessened.
Side note…if a doctor calls you fat you can still smile, say thank you and not over react. This trick works with everyone and not just children! Even adults get things wrong and or well meaning friends, so next time someone says something to you that hurts, smile and take the power out away from them. Their words do not have to be your truth.