Thought for the day…they just might not want to be with you and this needs to be ok.
When we foster children they come from many different backgrounds. Most will into the system due to some type of neglect and or abuse. We may think that as foster carers that our children should feel lucky and or want to be with us, but often it is exactly opposite of this, they will likely always want to and struggle to get home, back where they were being possibly traumatised.
This seems to be silly doesn’t it? To seek out and want to be where you are not safe, but it is part of their DNA as well as all that they know and it is home. We are built to connect and attach to the family that we come from. Our actual DNA supports the connection between Mother and baby, enabling both to attach to one another. This is scientifically proven and a part of just who we are. There there is the part where they are used to it, it is normal.
Scary things may sound bad to you, but if you are used to it, if you expect it, then you know what to do when the scary thing happens. When you are then in a safe situation, it can also be scarier than the scary one! What do you do when you are safe? How do you react or act? When you spend your life in your life saving mode, knowing what to do when you don’t have to worry, is in itself a very very difficult and scary thing.
Our children know what to expect when things go bad. They know how to react and act in order to keep themselves safe. They don’t know how to react when they are safe, and as such their main goal may just be to leave your safe and loving care and go back home.
This rejection can feel quite painful, but please understand that it is not personal, it is not about you. This wanting to leave and go back home is about their genetic need to be loved by their parents and the fact that home is what they are used to. Accept their feelings and try not to take it to heart, you are doing your best, but this may never change their goal to return home.