They are little, they are scared, stop taking offence. So your child says offensive things. Perhaps they threaten to kill you or they swear like a sailor. Perhaps they call you a “big old fatty” and stick their tongue out at you, expecting you to then get upset and feel hurt. I know, it isn’t easy! Getting negative behaviour from your child in a consistent manner is frustrating and it wears you down. I am suggesting that if you take the power out of their words, if you take your immediate emotional response out of the equation that the words will likely lessen. If you take the power out of the negative words they will also stop hurting you. Now, how to do this?
First, look at their size and look at yours. If your child is half your size look at the real possibility of them killing you. Do not look in the future, look at the now. I know that if I imagine a child half my size managing to try and kill me, I find that I will likely survive. So…that is one less thing to worry about. Threatening to kill me has no power.
Second, look at what they are really saying. They are saying “I am scared”, “I don’t know what to do”, “I don’t know how to fix this”, “I am using all my tools to stay safe”, “I am only showing you what others have shown me”. Look at what they are really saying. Consider it a second language. Their trauma showing, is a language that you need to learn and don’t get pulled into the trauma. Be there to offer the support needed, but do not start speaking their trauma language.
Third, make it fun, use your playfulness. Maybe come up with silly ways to die? death by balloon carrying kittens or death by killer grape launching monkeys. The idea is to stay calm, smile and make the negative words not effective at pulling you in. Rhyme the words used; luck, truck..etc. Sing them, use the negative word to sing Twinkle Twinkle I’m a big fat star…etc. Change things so that you smile and they end up laughing, this will take the power out of the words used.
Once the words have lost their power they may just begin using others and could get more creative! keep smiling and say “oh thats a new one one! bravo!” The idea is that if you take out your negative reaction to the words that they will not continue to use them. If they do use them at least you are feeling happy and not being pulled into the trauma.
Give it a try. Take control of your emotional response. Take the power out of the words and let us know how it worked for you