Sometimes our emotional status can be the cause of the problem. I get it, we all have bad days and we don’t always feel like being therapeutic. This post isn’t about beating you up for your bad day or for your valid emotions, it is about being aware that your emotions can be the reason that there is an issue and showing you what to do about it. Our emotions can spill out and accidentally create more difficulties with our children, this post is about what to do when that happens.
Sometimes our children are behaving in ways we don’t understand and we are good parents, we look for the reason. I know that I am very good at seeing the reason when it is their itchy jumper, a child at school bullying, or just a night they didn’t sleep well, but I am not always so good at noticing when I am the trigger. What? I can be their trigger? the one person that they trust the most and that does everything for them? Yes, and your awareness is key to helping the situation.
It is important to be aware what is going on and not to expect perfect days. It is also not about feeling guilty for your very real feelings. The key is voicing what is happening and voicing your needs so that your child knows it was not them. They will learn from this. They will learn that everyone has anger and sadness. They will also learn what to do when they feel like you do.
Normalise your valid and real emotions. Tell your child “I know I am not acting the same. I am sad today and it isn’t your fault. Everyone gets sad/angry/stressed sometimes. You are still safe, I just need 10 minutes and this hot cup of coffee to try and feel a little bit better.” You don’t need to tell them why, but just let them know that you get those feelings too and show them that you use your tools to help yourself feel better.
One other key to to make sure that you do not make your child responsible for making you feel better. They have enough already on their plate, they don’t need to be responsible for an adults emotional status.
When you are able to voice what is happening, how you will fix it, and not put your emotions on your child, then the pressure for them is lessened and your emotional status won’t be quite as scary as it was. If they see you sad or angry, they will likely assume it was them, and this is part of the trigger that can then make them a lot more scared. This will also show them how normal it is to have a bad day, and when they have one, they will know that you too have them and that their lives are perhaps not as hopeless or scary as they once thought.