Thought for the day

Thought for the day…I am sat here actually having an anxiety attack. First one in years..and I mean years. My chest is tight, my stomach hurts, I feel like an elephant is sat on my chest. I am almost 50 years old and I feel like I did when I was 14. You see, I have had powerful people (at least people who assume power over me) make decisions that could hurt myself and my kids. They have taken any sense of control out of my hands and left me wondering what my future holds. I get it, I am not 14 and it is likely not as bad as my imagination thinks it is. I get it, I am older and wiser and should be able to think, to use my thinking brain to calm myself down. I get it, there are people out there to help me and I am not actually alone. With all of that my chest still hurts and my tears still come. People I trusted are confusing me. People I trusted are not hearing my words and that feels so scary to me. I know it isn’t the same and I know that the outcome will likely not be as traumatic as it was when I was 14, but my body says that it is. My body says that there is something to be afraid of and those people are no longer to be trusted. Why am I telling you this. Right now in this moment I understand my son’s fear. Those times that he is pulled into his past and can’t get away from it. As much as I don’t want to understand, I do. I carry my fear with me in my body. It is still here for my instinct to pull up and to bring back all of those long held fears of rejection and hurt. I will type and feel better. I will go to my hubby and cry on his shoulder. I will take a bath, drink a glass of wine, and go to sleep…eventually getting to a place where I feel myself again. I will do this because I can, but my son can’t…at least not yet and not without me. When your children are crying, afraid and their fear turns into anger, please know that it is as real to them as any physical pain, as anything that happened in the past. I am better now for typing about it, my thinking brain is engaged…Therapeutic parenting will do this for your child, it is important so don’t give up…and know that the fear they are feeling is real. PACE is a lifesaver and one day they may be able to stop an anxiety attack by just accepting the feeling and talking about it…just like it has now worked for me. Don’t give up people…it works.

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